Outpost Battalion Attachments
At the Battle of Scarandor, during the invasion of the Orynx, four children were horribly mutilated. Mistaken for broken battle machines, they were rescued and given cybernetic bodies with modular parts. These children became the mighty Outpost Battallion – defenders of the colonies of humanity throughout space.
“It sounds cool when you put it like that.”
Captain Twobase Burbank huffed and flicked a few switches on the overhead console. With one practiced hand, he steered the little vessel through the asteroid field. The ship's shields devoured any debris, and the asteroids were far apart, so there was no danger. He was pretending to concentrate to avoid the racket.
“Of course it sounds cool. The Colonial Regiment wasn't going to broadcast, 'So one of our service bots freaked on us and performed gruesome repairs to mutilated children.' That would have gone over about as well as another Orynx invasion.”
“They let us keep the service bot.”
“How is that better? Besides, they were just trying to placate us, Toots.”
Toots Fillinger II pursed her lips and stared thoughtfully out into the abyss of space. Asteroids everywhere. Space could be so cluttered sometimes. “What's 'placate?'”
“It means they wanted to keep us quiet. That's why they gave us the ship, rank, and these light-duty jobs.”
“And the service bot. Don't forget the service bot, Twoozy.”
Twobase grunted. “Don't call me that. And they dumped her on us. That wasn't a gift.”
Toots folded her arms and pouted. The components on the left side of her face clicked mechanically.
“Well, I thought it sounded cool. And I like my robot~”
“~cyborg~”
“~cyborg body. Don't you like your cyborg body, Simon?”
They turned to the pale and dreary looking fellow leaning forward in his chair. He was the youngest, and had seen the worst of the slaughter. It's a bloody and tragic story of heroism, wherein Twobase Burbank tried to rescue a child trapped on a battlefield, but you're not getting that story here. All said, Simon Baron clutched his gut as if he would be sick and muttered, “My body is like God's boarding house for pain...”
Twobase and Toots watched him for any sign of more information to come, and then Toots sighed loudly and fell back into her chair with her arms behind her head.
“You two are just too grumpy.” Toots complained.
I'm literally always in pain, thought Simon, because they forgot to numb my pain receptors...
“Why can't you be more like Fitzel? He's always happy. Hey, Fitzel, how's things? Fitzel?”
“I sent him to fetch _____...” Twobase trailed off, because at that moment, the robot maid began running a vacuum cleaner right behind them. Twobase turned. She stared right at him while she was doing it. Her eyes held no hint of emotion, but Twobase felt she was doing it on purpose, and challenging him with her expression.
“So now we're just vacuuming. Fine.”
Ellis never talked, but Twobase was sure she made the vacuum slightly louder for a moment. He returned to his conversation with Toots, who was supposed to be handling navigation duties, but almost never did.
“Fitzel's not a toy you know. He's eight. Or at least he was when the accident happened, and none of us age now. And one day we're going to have to tell him.”
Toots went red in the face. “He really doesn't know? Like really?”
“That the service bot thought he was a girl? No. Also, quit dressing him in your old clothes.”
“They don't fit me anymore! I put on weight!”
“You put on an entire cybernetic replacement of half your body. You're maybe an inch taller.”
“And a hundred and twelve pounds heavier!”
“It didn't make you fatter! How does that even...oh my god, it's like I'm stuck with a child.”
“My stomach hurts...” groaned Simon. They ignored him, because he said that a lot.
And then the vacuum stopped. Twobase took a moment to enjoy the quiet and double-checked his systems.
Then, the unthinkable happened. The alert signal flashed. It was very dim, and made no noise. It was very much like a match flickering out, and something about it made Twobase sad.
“The heck is that?” Toots blurted out, pointing at the flashing light.”
“It's the alert signal you idiot! Didn't you go through the same academy training? Simon, open communications.”
“A hundred pounds dragging on my flesh at all times...” moaned Simon as he reached over weakly and pressed a button, then collapsed on the console.
A gray-bearded gentleman, dignified and stoic in his dark green uniform and myriad medals, greeted them.
“Chief Commander Ollister!” said Toots and Twobase in unison, and somewhat musically.
“Outpost Battalion, we have a situation. Belafuse Colony has spotted an Orynx spy ship in the vicinity. We want you to intercept and eliminate. You'll be going to sector F, location~”
“Gooooooood moooorning everyooooone!”
Twobase, Toots, and even Simon spun their chairs around at the explosive outburst.
“Chrissake...” Twobase heard Commander Ollister mutter.
She looked like an eighteen year-old with long, golden pigtails. The humanoid replica service bot appeared, center stage, carrying Fitzel in one hand and swinging him in the air. She let him drop, and the two butted heads, eyes locked and snarling. Then, they gave a laugh, leapt back, and pointed at each other.
“Next wrestling match, I'm taking the title back from you, mark my words!”
“Fat chance, mister! Nobody beats Belfahn LeFleur Attachments!”
“You better not be wrestling in that dress, Fitzel! That's mine!” shouted Toots.
For a moment, Twobase Burbank thought Simon was groaning again, but he realized it was coming from the communication screen. He turned. “I'm sorry, Chief Commander. I told him to get in uniform, but he's eight.”
Ollister waved a hand. “I won't even ask. I thought they got that all sorted out on Assistant Battlemaster Croele's papers? That he wasn't a girl?”
Captain Burbank was totally unaware that his service robot was caught in a submission maneuver behind him as he answered, “It was. Pilot Officer Fillinger II keeps dressing him up.”
From behind, Fitzel Croele asked, “Why did my paperwork say I was a girl?”
Belfahn LeFleur Attachments replied, “Because the Orynx cut off your~”
“~Attachments!” shouted Twobase.
“~Er...and the cybernetic repairs I did on your chest look like~”
“~That's enough, Attachments...if you please, we're being briefed.”
Attachments and Fitzel both turned and saluted smartly, each using the wrong arm.
Chief Commander Ollister cleared his throat for the final time and said, rather quickly, “I'm feeding coordinates to you. Head to that location to deter and eliminate the threat. Let Attachments handle battle preparations, but she is not to use the ship's weaponry. At all. Ever. Chrissakes...”
“Understood, Chief Commander. Signing off. Oh for the...Toots, reach over and hit the switch for Simon.”
The screen blinked off.
“Attachments? I need my scope module and three-armed suit. Equip the others as necessary. And get Fitzel out of that dress.”
“You got it, Captain! Except...I think Pilot Officer Fillinger II threw away Fitzel's clothes.”
Toots was suddenly defensive. She spun round. “I did not! It was one shirt that had a hole in it.”
“Attachments!”
“Sorry, Captain! It was just a ruse to~”
Attachments leapt at Toots. “Now hold still, you.” A claw extended from Attachments's back and ripped away the clockwork module on Toots's face. Toots protested loudly, and the whole scene was as annoying to Twobase as trying to remember if an apostrophe S comes after names that end with S, or if it's just the apostrophe one needs. However, he let it slide, knowing Toots was not welcoming when it came to adjusting her modules and attachments.
Finally, his pilot officer was outfitted with her navigation helmet, and her tone became completely serious. This was not an effect of the helmet. Toots was playing pretend at being a different person whenever she wore certain modules. She was mildly reliable like this.
Attachments opened a compartment nearby and plucked out a few modules with the extendable claws mounted on her back. Everyone recognized them as the surgically precise instruments that had carried them from the battlefield on that horrific day and performed the life-saving (and in Fitzel's case, slightly gender-swapping) surgeries that made them all into cyborgs. It seemed that Attachments didn't quite understand the mistake at the time. Having come to know Attachments, Twobase was convinced that when they handed out the AI, she was accidentally given Acceptable rather than Artificial Intelligence.
And Acceptable was a stretch.
Still, she swapped his arm with a module that had two appendages, allowing Twobase to manipulate the precision dogfight controls at his console. Simon received an attachment over his shoulder that controlled the ship's outer drones, if they became necessary.
Fitzel received a T-shirt, as Attachments could not remember where she had placed his uniform.
“Let's go Team Attachments!” Attachments shouted, punching the air.
“We are not doing that. Go help Ellis sweep up or something.”
“No fair!”
They made it to sector F with little difficulty. However, this was the biggest spy ship Captain Burbank had ever seen. It was menacing and glowing red. Sparks cut across the surface, just as they did over the skin of the Orynx, Their metal bodies themselves were deadly to engage. This was not a spy ship at all, though; it was a warship. This was an invasion.
Everyone heard the anger in Captain Burbank's voice. “Service Robot Belfahn LeFleur Attachments, battle position.”
Attachments saluted and darted out of the bridge. Mechanical whirring sounds indicated that she was exiting the ship through the airlock elevator.
“Toots? Simon? Fitzel? Remember what they did to us that day?”
Everyone nodded, somberly.
“They may have given us all nice and cozy jobs to shut us up...”
Outside, Attachments rose from the top of the ship, heels hooked into a specialized platform.
“They may have bribed us with fancy rank and excellent pensions...”
The four back claws gripped four separate, oval compartments on the exterior of the ship. There was a hiss.
“And they may have pawned a dimwit of a robot off on us...”
In the claws of a dimwitted robot, four massive cones were dragged from the ship's secret weapons bay. There was a kerthunk, and below the ship, a robot maid named Ellis dropped into the vacuum of space. Her own legs were replaced with fusion boot modules that propelled her through the void, and both her hands had been swapped for mini pulse cannons.
“But they gave us one hell of a ship.”
The enemy released two dozen intercept drones, but they were blasted from the sky by a single, precise robot maid. She never missed a spec of dust. Ever. The ship's main pulse cannon began to charge. A white light flickered, and the entire Outpost Battalion ship started to vibrate as the energy coalesced.
“And that's one hell of a dimwitted robot.”
Up above, the four cannons held by Attachments, who could not resist striking a cool pose, fired four golden beams that laced over the extremities of the enemy warship.
From within, Twobase followed Simon's targeting, and Toots adjusted the ship's position for a straight shot. At Twobase's signal, Fitzel pressed the red button on the console and fired the most powerful beam weapon in the Colonial Regimental Defense Force.
It pierced the heart of the Orynx warship.
The warship burst into a million fiery bits.
“Go Team Attachments.”
It went unheard in the vacuum of space, but Attachments was proud of those kids.
And these colonies were protected.